CATastrophic Love Potion
by rennaissance woman
Summary: What do you get when you cross Crookshanks, an unsuspecting Draco, and a Weasley tweaked love potion.


_Author's note: This is a work of pure fiction. All characters belong to the lovely J.K. Rowling. I am merely merely playing with her creations. The only thing that I own is a bag of Cheez-Its and a York Peppermint Patty._

Crookshanks was stretched out in the living room window. It was a warm sunny day, perfect snoozing weather. The birds were singing and there was a gentle breeze wafting through the open window. It had been a good day so far. He slept in and had a leisurely breakfast of smoked salmon and took a long nap. He roused up mid afternoon and turned over. It is such a difficult job, lying in the sun all day takes years of hard work, discipline, and dedication. A feline's work is never done. One never knows when a potential threat will rear its' head. Taking care of his witch and her wizard man friend involves subtlety and ingenuity. It is an unspoken law within the familiar handbook that the witch or wizard be unaware of the trials involved in being a familiar. _Crookshanks laughed to himself. _"_Silly witch, she thinks I am just a lovable old cat…that attacks red-haired wizards." _Little did Hermione know that her bandy-legged feline had been working for years toward keeping her safe. _She doesn't make it easy, the company she keeps. Silly wizards, always trying to save someone at the risk of their own life and my sanity._

Crookshanks turned his attention to the world outside the kitchen window. Watching the birds flying and singing had a hypnotizing effect on Crookshanks. Slowly, he became aware of a dark shape in the sky, moving toward the open window. It was quite far away at the moment and it appeared almost unrecognizable from the distance. Crookshanks kept his eyes trained on the missile as it would be bad form to not be wary of a potential threat. Patiently, he waited as the object grew closer. Finally, Crookshanks was able to make out that it was an owl with a package attached to its' ankle. _If that creature tries to come in here, I am going to get it. There are any number of things that could be in that package. My witch and her wizard man friend need to be more careful about the types of things that are allowed in their home._ Crookshanks licked his lips. Slinking into a couch, Crookshanks froze, preparing to strike as the owl got closer to the window. Tension built in his hindquarters as he waited for the proper moment. Just as the owl sailed through the window Crookshanks pounced. Several things happened at once; Crookshanks grabbed the package in his jaws, the owl screeched blue murder and flapped his wings in fright, and a cloud of dust filled the air. Crookshanks sneezed three times in quick succession as the pink dust settled around him. Getting to his paws, Crookshanks looked around. _Uh oh. That did not turn out like I thought it would. Oh well, at least I saved them from this threat. _

Footsteps sounded from the living room as Crookshanks tried to slink from the room. The wizard man friend filled the doorway. He seemed shocked as he took in the state of the room. _What a mess, Hermione will be appalled when she sees what her cat did. Good Merlin, this is going to take a while to clean this pink dust out of the carpet._

"Crookshanks, what did you do?"

Crookshanks grew still as he gazed at his witch's wizard man friend. A shiver started in his brain and traveled down his spine to the pads of his feet. His brain got foggy, he shook his head to try to clear it. He licked his lips and started to purr. _I love him so much. _Walking to the wizard, Crookshanks raised up and put his feet on the man's knee. _You are my wizard. Not hers. I'll take care of you and protect you. _Crookshanks began rubbing across the wizard's ankles and lower legs.

"Meow."

"Crookshanks, what are you doing? What is going on?" the wizard was very confused. Crookshanks has always just tolerated him, although he does attack Weasley. Draco backed away from Crookshanks, planning to gather the broom and dustpan to attempt to clean the mess. Crookshanks followed him, almost as if he was attached to Draco with invisible threads. Draco turned around and left the room. Rummaging in the broom cupboard Draco felt the hairs on the back of his neck rise. Slowly, Draco rose and closed the cupboard door, turning around he took in the room. _Someone is watching me._ He stood still and let his senses take in his surroundings, looking for an intruder.

"Meow."

Draco looked up and jumped backwards, hitting the door frame behind him. Sitting on the top of the refrigerator was Crookshanks, eyes trained on Draco. Unblinking, the cat seemed to be tracking Draco's every movement. Crookshanks crouched down and began to wiggle his backside, preparing to pounce. Draco sucked in a breath, his eyes darted around the room looking for the best route out of the kitchen. Hermione's familiar had never acted this way and Draco did not want to be in Crookshanks vicinity. Looking back at Crookshanks Draco saw that he had crept closer to him. Slowly, Draco began edging toward the door. Quick as a flash, Crookshanks pounced. Draco spun around and lunged for the door. A heavy weight hit him on the back of the neck. Draco's knees hit the floor as he sprawled underneath Crookshanks' amorous assault. Helpless, Draco lay underneath Crookshanks as the feline became a drooling, purring, rolling mass on the back of Draco's head. _For Salazar's sake, this has Weasley Twins written all over it. Whatever "it" is. When I get out of this mess, I'm going to turn Hermione loose on them, the tossers._

Without moving his head Draco let his eyes dart around the room, looking for something, anything that could distract Crookshanks. _Oh, Merlin! There is cat drool in my ear! There, just what I am looking for. _Underneath the pantry was a catnip mouse. An inch at a time, Draco reached his arm out and silently summoned the mouse to him. With the toy in hand Draco thought for a moment. _Best do it quickly. _

"Crookshanks , I found your mouse. Go get it," Draco tossed the toy as hard as he could toward the other end of the room. As soon as Crookshanks leaped after the mouse Draco jumped up and ran out of the kitchen through the living room, scooping his wand up off the coffee table. Draco kept running, he could hear Crookshanks chasing after him. He chanced a look behind him and shrieked. Crookshanks was gaining on him. Draco ran through the bedroom door and slammed it behind him, effectively cutting off Crookshanks' pursuit. Leaning against the door, Draco took a few moments to breathe. Once he was sufficiently calm, Draco could hear scratching at the door. Crookshanks was trying to get in. _Sweet baby dragons, that cat really has a problem. _Draco sat on the bed and lifted his wand. Conjuring his patronus he sent a message to the guilty party. That done, he pulled his mobile out of his pocket and dialed Hermione's number. Draco went into the bathroom, while waiting for Hermione to answer, to get a washrag to hopefully wash the cat drool out of his ear.

"Hello, Draco."

"Hermione, we need to talk."

"Oh, what is wrong?" Hermione sounded perplexed.

"We have twin troubles again. I do not know what they did, but Crookshanks seems to have been the target."

"Are you and Crookshanks okay?" Hermione asked.

"Yes, we are. Crookshanks is in the hallway scratching at the door, and I…"

"You are what, Draco?"

"I have had to shut myself up in the bedroom. Crookshanks jumped on the back of my head and drooled all over me. I am not coming out until the twins have fixed whatever they did to Crookshanks."

"WHAT?!"

"I don't know what they did. There is a pink sparkling dust all over the living room, and I have cat drool in my ears. This has their fingerprints all over it."

"Really," Draco could hear the chuckle in her voice. "I will get over to the twins shop and put the fear of their mother in them. I guarantee they will figure out what they did and how to fix it."

Draco breathed a sigh of relief. "Thanks, Hermione."

In a shop in Diagon Alley the red haired twins had a good laugh over Draco's patronus. They were unprepared, however, when the front door slammed open and a tiny spitfire yelled out.

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?" Hermione was furious. Fred and George stared at her, seeming unable to make a sound. They looked at each other. "Well, explain yourselves."

Hermione was amazed. The twins wore identical honest expressions. To an inexperienced observer it would seem like they were at a loss as to why Hermione was shouting at them. She lifted one eyebrow, a move she had adopted from Draco. Fred and George looked at each other again and started laughing.

"What's the matter, Mrs. Granger-Malfoy?" Fred began, "are you having trouble- "

"Of the feline persuasion?" George finished.

Hermione was amazed. _They aren't scared of me anymore. I am going to have to rectify that right away…well, as soon as Draco and Crookshanks are sorted out. Best wait until they are unaware. For now, I am going to play along. Lure them into a false sense of security._

"Well played, gentlemen. Draco did not know what happened to poor Crookshanks. He was afraid that Crookshanks was sick. So, tell me. What was it?"

"Its from a new line of products," George stated.

"A line of our own making. CATastrophe, a love potion for the depressed and lonely feline familiar," Fred explained.

Hermione was genuinely impressed. Fred and George are so intelligent, it is also amazing that they have not been cursed yet by someone on the wrong end of their pranks.

"Wow. How do you two think of these things?"

Fred grinned, "One night at movie night at Harry's, we were watching this old movie about fairies and evil queens. It was cool."

"The little people, Brownies, carry a love potion with them that the fairies make, the Dust of Broken Hearts. We took a weak version of Amortentia and tweaked it for our familiars." George fist bumped his brother as they explained their newest invention.

"Don't be mad, Hermione. Pets need love too. Besides," Fred stated as he reached under the counter. "Here is the antidote. Just sprinkle a little of this dust on him and he will be right as rain, right away." He handed her a small sachet filled with clear glittering sand.

Hermione slipped the cure into her bag. "Thank you gentlemen. Are you for positive this will work? Crookshanks won't grow extra body parts or anything like that will he?"

"Oh ye of little faith, Granger," George said.

"Don't you trust us?" Fred said with a smirk.

Hermione looked Fred and George right in the eyes. She smirked.

"Of course I don't. There is no telling what you two will be up to next. I have to stay on my toes don't I?" Hermione turned to leave as the twins busied themselves with a customer that had come into their shop. "Just remember, boys. Payback is swift, sweet, and unexpected. Better keep one eye open."

Hermione left the joke shop leaving Fred and George wary of bushy haired, know-it-all Gryffindors.


End file.
